Slightly different blog post today, but it was on my heart to share.
What My Previous Opinion Was
Growing up I had a fairly positive relationship with the boys around me. My friend groups had a fairly even number of boys and girls in them, and I never thought much about our differences. I valued my friendships with boys, and saw them similarly to my friends who are girls. There was no big difference.
I left the church near the end of my high school experience, and when my high school friend group broke up I moved to college a week later.
College changed my perception of men greatly - and frankly for the worst. While I was making new friends and meeting people, I predominately only made friends with women. Which was great! I love what a community of women can provide, and I believe that women offer such a beautiful friendship. I was very grateful for the community of women that I was surrounded by, and it truly shaped me into the person I am today.
However, throughout meeting new women, I couldn't help but notice how engrained the voice of purity culture was in many of their beliefs. It seemed like there were rules that had to be followed to interact with men, almost feeling as though we are not brothers and sisters in Christ, but on opposing ends, worried that getting too close will lead someone to stumble. I learned that I should only 'side hug' my male friends, because despite the friendship we had fostered for year, I am not a stumbling block in their testimony if I want to embrace a friend. I tried to reject this rhetoric and hold true to the boundaries I had set in my friendships, to be good and not focus on how my body is a weapon towards a man's testimony, but it became a challenge as I later experienced harassment, and feeling used the next year.
My second year of college was spent with me mostly in a depressive cycle of the realization that men wanted me purely for my body (which is not the Biblical truth I know today). But at the time that's what it had felt like. I convinced myself that no one would ever like me for anything else I could offer, just the future hope of treating me as an object - using me and then disposing of me. I wanted to swear off men at that point. I no longer made dating even an option for me. I didn't want that. I was so confused about how and why my friends got into relationships with men when I considered them to be the enemy. I found men disrespectful, harmful, and vengeful. If I interacted with a man I kept them far away from me. The shields were up. I did not want a relationship, or friendship with any man, other than the ones that had proven themselves to me.
I kept this mindset throughout the rest of my college experience, and then it all changed when I realized I had feelings for the one man that I maintained a strong friendship with throughout this time.
What Had Changed
When I realized that I had feelings for my now boyfriend, I was very giddy at the thought of seeing him, and angry at the thought of liking someone. I was just about to graduate and my plan of moving away and living a life outside of where I grew up, was now trampled when I was asked out by him. I had rejected the offer of a second interview with a company two days before and had been looking at different year-round discipleship groups to be a part of. The main one I was looking at was in California.
Long story short, I was asked out by my friend of two years, we went out, and later had a conversation about what our goals in our relationship were. I said that if we were to date I would be fully in and we would be getting married, or I'm going to continue not dating and I'm moving away. He asked me to be his girlfriend, we will reach our one year anniversary this May. Beautiful love story right?
When I first started dating my boyfriend, I was very thankful for our friendship because that was what had allowed me to trust him the way that I did, and helped me know I could grow closer to him. But despite my appreciation for him, I was still very resentful of my brothers in Christ.
I was so bothered by men and their presence. Not even intentionally, it had just been so deeply ingrained in me that men are dangerous, and only want me for foul purposes, rather than viewing me as a person. Which is a very toxic mindset to have.
I was called out about this thought process and I thought it was unfair that I had to hear about forgiveness and letting go of what had happened to me, even though I had a lot of negative history. But I started to pray about it and wanted to work it out. I prayed for my heart to be softened. I prayed for a breakthrough. And while it has still been difficult to grow I began to see the positive in what men can offer.
Moving Forward
Now, through this article I am by no means saying that every man is safe, or great, or whatever - that is what our gift of discernment is for. But what I am saying is that I have taken the time to recognize how my brothers in Christ are made in the image of God, as everyone is, and know that they are loved by the Lord exponentially. If I am to be shaped by Christ to live a Godly life, I want to make sure that I acknowledge the love of God, in my love for others.
Do I still ache now and again remembering my treatment? Yes. Do I struggle to forgive right away? Yes. Do I want anyone to feel invalidated for their feelings about the trauma they have faced? Absolutely not. I feel beyond blessed to be able to make this progress, and I pray for everyone else to as well. Living in the pain of the past is extremely difficult, and while I can not tell you what the future looks like, I know it has been written by the Lord, with all of his people loving one another.
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